Fly Me
I finally got to Puyallup after not making my first, early morning, flight because of some family issues and hopped on a late flight on Friday night. Although I was planning to rent a car, my guardian angel, Janet York, picked me up at the airport and took me to the hotel where I crashed.
This is Janet — my hero!
Across the parking lot of the hotel where I’m staying (and my view) is the Bethany Baptist church.
They share their parking lot with Denny’s!
Hell, dude, who wouldn’t consider becoming a Baptist with a set-up like that!?!
Meet Jennifer of Patchwork and Pacifiers!
On Saturday morning, Jenn, came by my hotel room to interview me for her pod-cast/blog. What a sweetie. I had a great time chatting with her about the magazine, the fabric, the banned issue, and all kinds of stuff. I hope you’ll take a listen to it (I’m actually afraid to hear it myself. I say all kinds of shit that usually ends up getting me in trouble somewhere or with someone! LOL). I joked on the pod-cast that we were in our underwear. As you can see we were not.
Here’s Jennifer (with her clothes on) in my hotel room as she sets up her equipment. Of course, Housekeeping started knocking right in the middle her interview! It never fails. If the interview’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’!
Check out Jenn’s website by clicking here and keep an eye out for her pod-cast featuring — moi!
Meet Mary Sharpe!
Later that morning, I finally got to meet my Internet pal, Mary Sharpe, from Buckley, Washington who came to pick me up for lunch. Mary and I have been on-line buddies for about 14 years. Mary is a very talented needle-worker (her cross stitch is spectacular and she’s now an aggressive fabric buying quilter). She, and a group of about 18 rebels from an AOL cross stitch room met in the early 90’s on-line, and have spoken just about everyday since! Now that I’m travelling, I get to meet some of my longtime Internet friends face-to-face. It’s weird, because you “know” them well but you don’t really “know” them at all. So it takes some adjusting to put a body on the fantasy.
I met Gina from Little Rock on her trip to New York. Auguste from Brooklyn. Brenda while I was in Dallas. Claire when she and her husband Steve visited New York from their home in England. Now, Mary from Buckley. Our buddy, Val, and her family will be visiting New York from their England home in April, so I’ll get to meet them, too! Can’t wait.
Here is one of Mary’s cross stitch pieces. It’s one of the more fabulous cross stitch pieces that I have seen in my lifetime – some of it done “over 1.” I wish you could see it because the photo does it no justice. Get this: It’s sitting on the floor in her sewing room! I could murder her! She has cross stitch all over her house and she changes it seasonally.
This is downtown Buckley, Washington. You can’t see them in the pic, but gorgeous snow capped mountains are all around us!
On our way to lunch at the Hometown Restaurant in downtown Buckley, Mary and I stopped into the Buckley thrift shop. How could I pass that up?
I was drawn in by a bird-themed embroidered quilt that was in the window. But at $65 bucks, I passed on it. It was OK but not unique. The batting was barely there. It was tied (and not well). Martha Stewart designed a very similar knock-off, and the price wasn’t negotiable. Even as I write, I don’t have my usual bout of not-buying regret.
I picked up these books (3/$4.00) because you know I’m a whore for old quilt/crafting pattern books. I just love them and, collect them. I always find inspiration in old out-of-print books and magazines.
Now, cupcakes, I don’t crochet. I’ve tried, but am a crochet-LOSER! All I really want to learn is how to crochet a Granny Square (which I can never learn). I’ve even taken a class and couldn’t get it — of course my teacher was fresh-off-the-boat Korean and barely spoke English but I was all thumbs nonetheless. But wouldn’t you know that I LOVE this crocheted Barbie bridal gown pattern that I found so I bought the damn thing. You KNOW how daddy loves him a Barbie.
Take a look at the other hideously-wonderful crochet dress patterns that are available. And there are a ton of, what I call, Barbie Cupcake Gown patterns that had been printed. Look out, eBay, Pappy’s on the prowl.
Next, Mary and I had lunch at at a little diner, The Hometown Restaurant, who, I SWEAR, had THE best biscuits that I’ve ever tasted. Like AIR! Surprise, but I even ordered an extra one after they took our plates away!
Our waitress (and owner) told me that one of the tricks they use with the biscuits is that the slice them an lightly grill the innards before serving. It works! But you can’t just lighten up a heavy biscuit that way, they have to be good to begin with.
Mary had the biscuits and gravy, which she ravedabout. Now, I’m a little chubby (HA! don’t I wish), and I can drink gravy like Diet Coke, but gravy on biscuits? Blech! I had the scrambled eggs.
Mary lives in the mountains in Washington about 20-minutes from Puallup (but she grew up in Seattle). So it’s damp up there. I wanted to show you a picture of one of her fruit trees (no comment, pulleeese). It has weird, yet strangely beautiful, moss growing all over it from the dampness. It is freaky but really pretty in person (and I love the icy green of the Spanish moss).
Because she’s in the woods, there are a lot of deer on her property. Look how the deer “topiaried” her trees! LOL
I also snapped a pic of Mary’s kitchen wall paper. It’s vintage but I think it would make great fabric! I love the ‘pen and ink’ drawing with the added color. It’s so 1970’s but works so well in ’09!
SEW EXPO
What an amazing sight. There is a shitload of things to do, see and buy here. If you’re living in the USA, you MUST plan a trip here for this annual event! I may consider coming back next year. Not to lecture — to SHOP! I was very impressed!
Even before you get into the huge mini-city, there are fabric vendors in big tents on the street! Sweeeeeet!
First of all the fairgrounds are huge and the expo is held in several buildings – buildings full to the brim with fabric and notions and sewing machines and all kinds of stuff for OCD’s like us! Celebrity sightings everywhere. I ran into Libby Lehman!
I know Nancy Zieman was there. I talked to famous designer, Lorilie.
There are literally miles of vendors . . .
As I said, the Expo is like a little city full of many buildings that are full of sewing and quilting stuff. Shit, man. Ain’t no place in New Jersey like that!
The fair grounds are as far as the eye can see … here are the outside wall of just one side!
My lecture took place in an auditorium with 800 seats, divided by a runway! About 300 seats on this side and 400 on the other!
There was even a camera operator who filmed the entire talk that I gave and would give close-ups of the quilts I showed. Just what I needed — adding 10-pounds to my already ample butt. Sheesh!
Kaye Wood at Expo
As it turned out, the organizers coerced quilting legend, Kaye Wood, to introduce me to the crowd. Kaye freaking Wood! Me! Kaye Wood introducing Mark Lipinski. I can’t can’t tell you how honored I was. To have, really a legend, like Kaye introduce a hack like me almost brought me to tears (I was close as it was — I had to sh0w 800 ticket buyers how much weight I’ve gained and what I look like without Photoshop). Having someone of that stature in the industry take the time to introduce me, was a humbling experience. Of course, Kaye and I have always just “clicked” but I thought it was very generous of her.
Here’s the end of the line for autograph signing . . . It’s my favorite part because I love meeting new people. My only regret is that we can’t go out for margaritas and chips and have a few really intimate laughs! I got to meet a lot of the left coast Pickle Posse! I love those Pickle kids. They are ALWAYS a lot of fun and laughs!
This Could Fall Under “Too Much Information”
My buddy Mary drove me to the airport on Sunday morning for my trip back to Newark. She picked me up at 5 AM and we were off to SeaTac with lattes and conversation.
At the airport, Mary dropped me off in front of the Continental doors. When I got out of her big old van, I heard a zipper sound but didn’t think much of it. I went to the back of the van and pulled my luggage from the back and headed into get my boarding pass and some breakfast.
I stood in line with the masses until I got to the ticket counter and got my seat assignment and hoisted my big suitcase over the counter for the attendant.
Next, I got in the security line. Lucky me. My ticket was chosen for extra screening, which included a body pat down from hot, young Mr. TSA. No problem. I was on my way.
I took the shuttle to my area of the airport. I stood in line and had breakfast in an airport buffet-style restaurant. Then I went book shopping and notebook shopping. Picked up a couple of bottles of water. Then found a muffin shop. I bought a few sweatshirts, and walked all around the airport trying to kill time. You see, I had screwed-up the departure time and so I had two hours to kill rather than just one. Shopping and walking around the airport shops always makes the time fly.
Finally, I went to my gate, walked around until I found a seat, plugged in my laptop and played a little computer solitaire. Soon my row was called and I got in the long line to board the flight.
When I finally got to my seat, 20-C, TWO FULL SHOPPING/EATING/WALKING HOURS LATER, and as I loaded my computer case in the overhead compartment, I instinctively reached behind me to check that my wallet was still in my back pocket and . . .
Shit! Oh my God! OH MY FRICKING GOD!
Jesus, Mary and the saints!!!
That zipper I heard was a rip from my the wasitband on my jeans all the way down the side of my back pocket.
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I WENT COMMANDO THAT DAY! OH MY GOD!
My entire bare-ass was hanging out the back of my jeans for HOURS!
OH MY GOD!
The woman who was sitting in the asile seat behind me, got some kind of view,
. . . just like the hundreds of people who might have been walking behind me!! OH MY GOD!
I quickly took off my Lands End sweater (thank goodness I was wearing a sweater) and tied it around my waist to cover the rip. OH MY GOD!
Next, I texted Jeff in New Jersey an SOS from my seat…but my other jeans were in my suitcase UNDER ME, in the very airplane I was sitting in!
Five-plus hours later, in the Baggage Claim area, Jeff showed up to claim me. I, of course, was hiding in the corner far from the other passengers. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye!
But, snow cones, always thinking of you, I had him snap a few pictures of the damage, right there in Baggage Claim (of course the poor guy was laughing so hard he was crying – very subtle, Jeff – yeah, verrrry under the radar). You may go blind if you scroll further! What a day. What a life.
I changed my pants in the parking lot of the Newark Airport. Who cares? Everyone had seen my ass anyway and it’s still not as bad as having to look at Donald Trump’s hair . xoxom
See Mark? Your mom was right – always wear clean underwear. And never, NEVER go commando!! It’ll always come back to bit you in the…well…never mind. You already found out.
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One of these years I will make it to Expo. It’s “only” a six or seven hour drive if the pass is in good shape. The closest I have come is being there a week later for a Ham Radio event. That is so not even close.
Bert in Rice, WA
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OMG…you had a wonderful trip! Be glad you don’t wear skirts..went to lunch one day at work. Had to make a bathroom visit in a tiny, tiny bathroom. Walked across the street back to work, only to be told my skirt had been tucked into my pantyhose in the back!!
I crochet, love to crochet. Be glad to do the Barbie wedding dress for you! I don’t have that pattern, but do have some of the ‘cupcake’ patterns!! You are awesome! I love to read your posts, as you bring a smile every time you write! ta-ta-4-now
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I am laughing so hard I’m about to pee in my pants! I love ya, Mark! You are such a HOOT!!!!!
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ROTFFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Oh Mark, Mark… that was a really really good one. I am still laughing. Oh dear. Oh my. Please accept my sympathies. At least there were no pimples.
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I can’t stop laughing!!!
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OMG! ROTFLMAO and crying too! Maybe your jeans were just anticipating the need to make a little bit of room for the buffet at the airport. Mark, I LUV YOU and think probably not as many people noticed as you might have thought. But I wonder why the airport screening guy didn’t mention it to you when he patted you down? I’m sure you felt the chill when you got out of Newark that night! Thanks for the humor, cupcake, you made my day
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hahahaha…..that is tooo funny!! Wonder how many caught the view…. and maybe snapped a photo?
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roflpimp
blame the biscuits!
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Now, Mark, this is the best story EVER ! It’s even better than when you put that orange lipstick on, thinking it was transparent !
I wish I was there to see your …. face !!
This will be in your “memoires” one day.
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That was priceless Mark the Mooner!!!
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So now we all know that Mark Lipinski wears no underwear…..how lovely.
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Loved your story! Thanks for sharing your tale (tail) of adventure! Hope to get to meet you in person someday!
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I laughed til I cried. You know, they make underwear for a reason. Or are you wearing a thong?!
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I heard there was a full moon that morning. Thanks for the picture – my imagination just wasn’t enough! (typed with tears rolling down my face)
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Oh. My. God! you must have been just beside yourself with embarrassment! And retracing every place you had been… You poor thing! how brave of you to show us the damage… not as bad as I thought, actually, so that’s a good thing hahaha.
I love reading your blogs. always so real~!
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Thanks for the laugh today. I sure did need it. Now, this Expo, is this something that is held in different parts of the country, or only in WA?
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YEP, only Mark would have this happen!!! LOL
So, did you lose your wallet?
I will say this – if I would have happened to be in the airport and saw that, I would have tapped you on the shoulder and told you. Even if I didn’t know you.
Every trip is certainly an adventure for YOU!!! LOL
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This post should have a beverage warning…glad the coffee was long gone when I read it. Oy! Too funny!!
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Mark, Mark, Mark my dear….. I’m sorry Sweetie, but I had to giggle, just a little… because this sounds like something that would happen to me!
Shame on all those people in SeaTac who didn’t have the manners to at least mention it. Heavy packing tape would have worked in a pinch or a stapler.
Where were all the nice quilters????
Your Farmer’s Wife/Neb. Pickle
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Oh. My. GOSH! Ohmygosh. That’s even better than the orange glittery lip balm story. I love you, friend. But good grief, I’m never going anywhere with you. Ever. 🙂 And I’m wit DaleAnne up there, I’d have tapped you on the shoulder and told you, even if I didn’t know you.
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OMG, you posted your ass on the internet. Kudos my man! Now I need to go change my undies after laughing so hard. Good thing I’m wearing them 🙂
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OH.MY.GOD. Hilarious. You totally kill me.
Do you suppose there’s some kind of Baptist Breakfast Special?
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I ran to this blog to see what a sexy beecha beecha I was, and found out you out-sexied me. You had to break out the butt-thigh. I’m so not worthy…you are the queen of all the sexy beetches. But seriously, you made me laugh really hard in the Lowe’s parking lot.
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Ahhhh Mark! I bet all the Mary Kay ladies you know are wrapping you up cellulite care packages right now! I mean, if you’re going to bare it–obviously you need butt cosmetics!!! I love it. And I loved the cupcake barbies too . . . awe inspiring! They remind me of the baked marble necklaces Mrs. Edith Murphy made me when I was a kid. She always had crocheted dolls to cover toilet paper rolls! Love your posts enormously!
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You know, after the snapping girdle story you recounted at IQM, I have to wonder how all of these violent clothing-attacks happen to you! Vengeful scrap-quilt rejects? 🙂
On another note, I lovelovelove that you share my obsession with 70s kitchen wallpaper and vintage craft books of yore. Pop-top crafts, anyone??
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So Mark, my hubby isn’t the only one who goes commando! Too bad you weren’t as lucky as him and won a roll of FQs for it.
Kathy, who met you in Moose Jaw this past summer
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You are funny, as usual. Loved reading you blog. Laughed out loud.
I think you need a rest now. Don’t stop blogging, we all love it!
Mary Lou (Mass.)
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LOL Mark…can’t believe you can go commando…I wouldn’t want to be touching that hard jean fabric, lol. No one told you things were hanging out…they maybe thought it was the new look, wouldn’t suprise me if it catches on! Nice tooshie too….SMILE!
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Mark, Mark, Mark! The exposed derie…..BUTT! could only happen to you. I can’t believe no one told you. At least now the pictures taken of your exposed rear side no longer have value in the quilt world. I’m sure this trip will haunt you for years to come. Miss seeing you at the shows, but I have been mostly grounded with care for my parents. I may make it the first day to the AQS show in Paducah. Are you going to be there? Would love to see you again. Maybe we can get together when you arrive.
I can just hear Jeff laughing and giving you a rough time! I’m sure Evan will be really happy to find out Dad posted his exposed butt on the internet!!!!!
Luv ya,
Peggy
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Thanks for the laugh! Tears are rolling down my face. Thanks for sharing your airport adventure! And I agree. Doesn’t The Donald own a mirror 🙂
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Mark: From the picture showing the rip…it does not look as if you are wearing any undies. Hmmmmmmm.
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Mark, I think I know you a little TOO well, now. I never know what to expect when I pick up anything you write. Totally amusing!
I hear that Ami Simms is asking various people if she can dye their underwear. Obviously, you are not a candidate. Be good, Mark, be good, and if you can’t be good, then continue to be funny.
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That brings to mind a Latin phrase, “Semper ubi sub ubi” which loosely translates: “Always wear underwear.”
ROTFLAPMFP
(rolling on the floor laughing and peeing my freaking panties)
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Oh My Gosh! Mark, dude, I am regularly pretty subdued, but you Really made me laugh in this entry…I am sorry you were hangin out there so long at SeaTac, but you know it is Seattle, and we don’t pay that much attention! See there is a reason Mom says to WEAR clean underwear when you travel!! 🙂
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You made my day… I hate underwear also and I get asked all the time when my husband and I go somewhere “do you have underwear on?” You had me crying and hollering over this article?
Can I have those jeans??? I would love to make something out of them!!
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I have learned a lesson!! Never, NEVER read your blog while I am at work!! I about peed my pants laughing so hard and had a hard time explaining to my boss what was so funny!
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Wow! Men have cellulite, too! Woo HOO! (yeah, yeah, bi-atch, said sotto voce, LOL!)
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oooo la la! I wonder if you’d wear unders if they were tie dyed? Thanks for the great morning guffaw!
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I haven’t laughed for so long for so much…. thank you, thank you!!!
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Thank you for sharing, your hellish travel experience, the telling of your story has brought tears of laughter to my eyes. However, it’s time to eat more pickles and veggies and cut back on the cupcakes, cupcake ! 🙂 You can do it one bite at a time and be in a smaller size before you know it. Love ya, Cass
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Mark to say laughed my butt off is an understatement. You are one of a kind and make life fun for all of us. I am happy to be a fellow Pickle!! Love ya, Maria
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I’m surprised you didn’t feel a draft.
😉
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Mark my dear, only you could make this work, I am sure the vision wasn’t as bad as it sounds, at least it wasn’t the zipper in the front of your pants or you Pickle Posse would have a filed day with that.
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If I can learn to knit which I have in the last few months, you can learn to crochet. I’ve been doing that since I was 12. I’ll bring a hook and some yarn and teach you at the next guild meeting. Only you would put a picture of your bare but on your blog! You are too much. Couldn’t you find a picture of the Donald with his comb over totally blown over? Wouldn’t you love to see that?
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This post really should have come in a plastic sleeve.
Must get vision out of my head…
must get vision out of my head…
must get vision out of my head…
The Donald pic really should have come with more warning.
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that is the funniest story ever !!! Thanks for making my day
11
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The good news is that you gave some people a thrill… flying was pretty interesting for a change.
Sugar pop, you need to FREEFORM Crochet the Carla way…. I bet I could get you hooked on freeform crochet in a heartbeat! no rules either. I bet you have a yarn stash…. c’mon, admit it!!
From Carla over at FeatheredFibers
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So, to say the least, I’d say you were mildly em-bare-assed when you discovered the cause of the ripping sound?
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I have just been catching up on your blog entries and it’s late and OMG I don’t know if I can quit laughing or explain to my sleepy husband WHY I’ve been laughing so hard the last few min. that my sides are hurting! Only YOU could tell a story like that – AND have the nerve to put in pictures even! Hope your future travels are smoother for you (and you’l remember to wear underwear – didn’t you notice the draft???)
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OMG! I’m just dying laughing here. I can’t imagine why NO ONE said anything to you about your ass hanging out in all its glory. Poor baby! Always wear your underwear, sweetcakes.
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*SNORT*, LOL *TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE, I ALMOSTED PEED MY PANTS . . . YOU KILL ME!!!!
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Mark I was directed to your blog to read this entry and have to tell you I’m still sitting here with tears rolling down my face! My hubby is in the next room trying to sleep and I have my mouth gripped tight with one hand as I spew spit and giggles through my fingers trying to be quiet. NOT POSSIBLE, this was hysterical at your expense of course. Sharing it made my day. I’d like to say that being from the Seattle area you were safe to display your larger than life own personal form of butt crack. We are use to all sorts of things and have no doubt you gave the masses the biggest smile they’ve had for awhile. I’m certainly going to quit shopping the Sea-Tac concourse my next flight out and sit and watch the crowd instead, ROFLOL! Glad you enjoyed our Sew Expo, it is the greatest event around IMO and have not missed it ever!! I’m now hooked on your blog, thanks for sharing your horror and trust me, I will continue to share it for you too, ggggggggggggggggggggggg.
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I AM CRYING!!!! Stop please stop!! How come this stuff only happens to you?? Or are you just the only one brave enough to tell about it??
You KILL me!!
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Holy guacamole! I can’t stop laughing. Thanks for the late night entertainment!
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You and Paula Deen can do a show together (check out her losing her pants live on her show)! I had to reread my magazine to see what the fuss was all about when I heard about Joanns. I have some of that penis fabric that I haven’t used yet (I got it from a friend of the person who printed it) so I guess I need to think about making something from it.
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Geez – Mark and you had the nerve to ask the audience at Puyallup’s Sew Expo if anyone had no under pants on and the woman was embarrased to come up and get her gift. Now the facilitator of the next conference will have to award you the gift this time!
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Mark–I have not laughed so hard in all my life–I swear! I thought I was going to suffer an aneurysm or worse! If you don’t write a book you’re crazy–you have a gold mine in that funny head of yours!
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Oh thank you!!! Thank you for being so authentic and genuine!!! Very few people make me laugh as hard as you do. What a fantastic, good Karma life you are living; bringing people so much joy!
Nice ass! 🙂
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Thank you Mark I have ruined another keyboard , but on the upside, have refreshingly clean sinuses that can only from blowing Diet Coke out of one’s nose. Upon further reflection and inspection of your “split,” and given the holes hung together by a few cotton threads which are loosely defined as “jeans” I keep seeing at the mall, I’m thinking that anyone who saw you thought you were a) on the cutting edge of fashion; b) one of those old farts who just can’t act their age and wear old-fart clothes. Being of old-fart age myself (52) I prefer to chose “a.” Thanks for a really good story!
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Mark-
I was at Sew Expo and I attended your Saturday Night Gig – it was Fantastic!
Wish I would have followed you to SeaTac!
I also just got a copy of your magazine from Aunt Bea in Portland:)
Thanks
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That was quite the story – you just like to shock people!
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